How to build sustainable habits fueled by purpose

Part one of a two-part series.

As we enter 2021, I wonder how many of us feel hopeful? Perhaps the new year has brought its usual sense of fresh beginnings but as we know, this feeling will likely change by March, especially if you’re making “resolutions”. How can you shift from the old way of setting a goal to a newer, more conscious way of goal-setting? It can be found in your sense of purpose.

Why resolutions don’t work

Resolutions are rooted in the will to succeed. This is great, but without self-discipline, your resolutions will be a distant memory within weeks (if you make it that far). More than will power, you’ll need a plan of action that your body and brain can agree upon and enough knowledge to apply these actions to an end in mind.

How do you define purpose?

For me, purpose is the ability to remain present in the moment of an experience, in the pursuit of a goal, and in the roles we fulfill. Goals feel authentic and soul-driven when we align them with our core values, but beyond that, it’s our ability to allow “form to follow function [because] when you function properly things will form themselves” — Lupe Fiasco. We have to hold a strong vision without being attached to an outcome or form. If this seems impossible, I promise it’s not. If someone like me who has been diagnosed with ADHD and has the imagination of a 5-year-old can do it, so can you. So keep reading, I’ll show you how I do it.

Knowing > Feeling > Doing > Being

Habits are built on your brain’s ability to instruct your body to take small, progressive action steps, and your body’s willingness to agree and follow through. For this process to be successful, you have to learn how to tap into your mind and body connection. You must begin with some knowledge of a subject, a big enough feeling of improvement or betterment in approaching the habit, and then choose to take action, even if it’s very small at first. Once you’ve done those three things consistently, the habit becomes a way of being and “second-nature”.

1. Knowing: This is your research phase. If you want to learn how to sew, you’d buy some books, take a class or watch a few YouTube tutorials. My cheat code for gaining new knowledge is by knowing how I process information best. If you’re not sure, pretend you’re back in school and take a simple quiz like this one. You can also make notes of subjects you’ve learned about recently and how you took that information in. Podcast or video? Conversation or lecture? Personally, I process information best through kinesthetic and rhythmic modalities. If I’m moving and grooving, I’m learning something, whether it be processing emotions in dance or absorbing information through an audiobook while walking.
2. Feeling: Why are you doing this? Does this new habit provide enough positive feelings that you’d continue practicing even if you felt bored? Is the payoff bigger than the trade-off (energetically speaking)? Maybe a new hobby will give you a reason to spend some quiet time with yourself each day. Maybe you’re looking to improve your mood, so working out would increase endorphins and dopamine in your brain, improving your mental wellbeing and reducing your risk of chronic illness. It‘s always important for me to align myself with these deeper values so the habit is sustainable and helpful for my holistic self. For example, moving my body had to be tied to anxiety relief otherwise I’d focus too much on my appearance, something I intentionally worked to rewire this year. This part really is so important because if something stops being fun or you get distracted from the deeper value, it can be difficult for the brain to even believe it can start and complete anything similar in the future.
3. Doing: Make a plan, be specific, stay positive, and start small. I try to plan intentionally using positive language. Here are some real examples I had this year: Improving my physical wellness vs. losing weight. I shifted from “I want to complete a 1-hr workout 3x a week” or “I want to weigh this many pounds!” to “I want to move my body for at least 20 minutes a day” and “I want to feel good in my favorite pair of jeans again”. This felt do-able and I ended up losing about 35 pounds in six months and the jeans I could barely button on day one are now one size too big. Rather than telling myself “I need to lay off the booze”, I said, “I’m not going to keep alcohol in the house”. So then I was able to complete a 40-day fast from alcohol. I picked up sparkling water and put it in my cart to serve as a visual reminder to avoid the liquor aisle. I still move my body daily because it craves the natural boost of brain chemicals that keep me balanced. I still drink occasionally, but I no longer feel like I need it to be myself or to relax. Additionally, reaching my biggest goals helped me regain some confidence, meaning there was no longer this deep emotional void I filled by drinking more than I intended to. This was only possible because my brain and body had evidence that I could quit drinking and stay active even during the worst of circumstances.
4. Being: Refine and repeat. As you take action, leave room to pivot, make adjustments, and give yourself some grace. If you constantly beat yourself up in your head for missing a workout or binging on Netflix one afternoon, you’ll discourage yourself from trying again the next day. How do you know if you’re being hard on yourself? It’s easy to spot: people who judge other people are usually judging themselves even harder. If that’s you, don’t worry, you can switch out of this thinking pretty quick:

• Stand in front of the mirror, and imagine looking at the most revered person in your life. You love and respect them so much and if they needed something, you’d drop everything to help them out. Maybe this is your child or a loved one, maybe it’s one of your parents or siblings.
• Now imagine them coming to you and saying they “messed up” really bad. You could sense it took everything for them to even admit this to anyone, but they chose you, because they trusted you. If you can imagine a scenario like that in your life, notice how it feels in your body. It’s powerful, right? What would you say? How did you respond? Now, imagine you are that trusted friend and speak those truths out loud or spill them on paper and guide yourself into forgiveness.

Shifting from reward-based motivation to intrinsic motivation

You can only trick your brain into believing something so many times. Eventually, the brain needs evidence of the possibility to flow into taking action. If you are not motivated at all by external rewards (I struggle with this due to my neurodivergent brain) consider skipping reward-based sources of motivation altogether, which tend to get boring very quickly, to intrinsic sources of motivation, which is shifting from “I have to do this” to “I can’t wait to do this”, even if there is no immediate evidence. How? Start with something you already love. As long as it’s wired to a healthy connection in your brain, take the path of least resistance when it comes to new habits. As an example, when I want to bring a new hobby into my life, I start with something I already have some skill in and work to get better at it. When I’m connecting with my kids, I try to find activities we all enjoy so we want to stay engaged versus doing something only one person likes (luckily, all my kids like to color and draw which helps us all relax and connect simultaneously). To create renewable loops, the process must become a reward in itself.

When you fall away from good habits: shoshin but also reflect

Sometimes we break our own rules, fall away from good habits, and get distracted. If this happens and you still want whatever the end result is (i.e. learn how to sew, drink less alcohol, get a job), it’s very important to accept the present reality of where you’re at and be okay if you have to start over at the beginning again. Starting each day with a beginner’s mind (shoshin) is one of the best ways to stay curious and open-minded. If this concept is new, I’d encourage you to start with a mantra or positive affirmation until it’s no longer needed. On the days where I didn’t think I could even get out of bed this year, I’d repeat this to myself until I could put my feet on the ground and face the day.

Is that you? If you’re struggling in life right now or in the future, write this down and leave it on your mirror, your dashboard, make it a lock screen image for your phone: I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE AND I CAN DO IT AGAIN. Then immediately visualize a time where you’ve completed a similar action or habit loop, no matter how small or distant in the past it may seem. This will help bridge the mind and body into taking action.

Click here to read Part Two, Beyond habits: the process for discovering your purpose.